What is a Space Heart?
by ChibiQuatre
Summary: Trowa/Quatre ficcie (again!) don't read if ya don't like peeps! it's about the brief episode after Wing Zero was created...u know what i mean. and oh ya--please review minna-wa!


What is a Space Heart?  
by ChibiQuatre(7/27/00)  
  
  
Yet another GW disclaimer: well, do you all REALLY want me to write a disclaimer?! We all know that I don't own GW (though God KNOWS I wish I did!). The GW boyz r'nt mine, never were, never will b. They are owned by their respective creators; Sunrise, There...happy!!! ((oh, and any trouble translating the japanese, I'll b happy to help!))  
  
*A/N: this is partly an alternate universe -- remember when Quatre went crazy from the Zero system? well, this is how it could've happened if he was on Earth when his father was killed, k? pleez don't kill me -- i try my best! ^^ it's from Quatre's POV and it's a little angsty. i think i kinda strayed from my original idea, heh! oh ya...and i think i was subconsciously hinting at yaoi, but it's not directly indicated. interpret however u want. tell me whatcha think!  
  
  
  
"Quatre-sama!"  
  
"Ne, Master Quatre!"  
  
I turned my head towards the familiar voices. They belonged to Rashid and the  
rest of my loyal Maguanac forces. "What is it?"  
  
"Quatre-sama, we've finished construction, just as you've ordered."  
  
I nodded and congratulated them on a fine job. They had managed to build Wing  
Zero in record time.  
  
Less than a month ago, I had lost Sandrock. It was deplorable; Sandrock had  
helped me through thick and thin. But times change, and people need to change  
with the times. I resolved to go back to outer space. But how?  
  
Then the answer came to me. It would be fairly simple to build another Gundam.  
I had the blueprints and design plans for a new model; the Maguanacs had  
plenty of experience in the field of mobile suit production. The Winner family  
owned a large resource satellite. It was nearly effortless to order Gundanium  
alloy and mobile suit parts...so why not?  
  
Wing Zero was surprisingly similar to Sandrock. Differences were trivial. One  
was obviously the design. First off, Wing Zero would be more accustomed to  
flight and space than Sandrock ever was. Secondly, instead of two curved  
blades, I was to use a buster rifle and a beam saber. But those would be easy  
things to accommodate.  
  
I was worried about Zero's internal drive system. I had a little trouble figuring it  
out myself. The programming was new to me and my army. Apparently, it  
functioned partly on the pilot himself and partly on battle data that was  
transmitted directly to the system. The blueprints had warned against fighting  
with the Zero system, but as far as war goes, I saw no danger.  
  
I was about to raise myself into the cockpit when I felt a hand on my shoulder.  
Rashid stared into my eyes with a fond kindness he showed only towards me.  
He didn't have to say anything. "Oh, don't worry Rashid. I'll be fine."  
  
He no longer questioned my ability to answer unasked questions, instead  
nodding his confirmation as I waved goodbye to my devoted crew and prepared  
to take off.   
  
"Take care, Master."  
  


***  


  
One hour, twenty-one minutes.  
  
That's how long it took until the news reached me.  
  
I was just out of Earth's atmosphere at the time. I would've been out sooner, but I  
was testing Zero's capabilities. It wasn't hard to find an abandoned site in the  
desert for test piloting. The rifle worked especially well: good design on the  
Scientists' part. However, though the Zero system was fully functional, nothing  
happened. I was curious and tried every maneuver possible to try to activate the  
system, but nothing seemed to work. Maybe the Maguanacs installed it wrong.  
  
Finally, I gave up and decided that I didn't need the Zero system after all.   
  
I had just arrived in space when the news bulletin interrupted my peace.  
Something didn't feel right. I knew better than to second-guess my feelings; they  
often analyzed situations quicker and better than I could with logic. "Mr. Winner  
of the Winner Corporation --" I stopped dead in my tracks and listened carefully  
as I heard my father's name on the broadcast "-- assasinated by unknown forces  
--"  
  
It couldn't be. It just couldn't. My father...murdered on our family satellite??  
  
It couldn't be.  
  
But there it was, all over the news. My feelings had once again managed to  
foreshadow an event. I stared at the film footage as it replayed the scene of my  
father's demise; dozens of beam cannons fired upon one lone silhouette that  
stood, framed in the window of the satellite. Suddenly, the figure melted away as  
destructive light obstructed the entire screen. It faded to a dim glare, eventually   
disappearing altogether. Nothing remained. Not the satellite, not the bright light,  
not a trace of life...just empty space before the cameras cut back to the news  
reporter.  
  
I stared at the screen, mouth agape, eyes watching, disbelieving everything that  
the entire world was believing. Everything was frozen in time. I was no longer the  
pilot of a Gundam, a killer, but a little boy of seven. My father was still alive,  
playing with me as I ran through the garden. Our garden, the one we had grown  
together.  
  
But even as my mind wanted to accept the memories of the past, my heart was  
pushing it away. Because the past was no more; the memories were gone now.  
  
Just like my father.  
  
No more tending to the garden. No more star-gazing under the moon. No more  
admiring the beauty of space. All that was gone: destroyed by beam cannons.   
  
No. My heart wanted desperately to believe that this was all a nightmare, that I  
would wake soon and discover that I was still that seven-year-old child who had  
a loving father and a bright, wonderful future. But I don't think anything was as  
bright as those beam cannons.  
  
I choked back a sob, wrathfully glaring at the dark screen. My heart wanted to  
believe what my mind was reliving. But it would never happen. In my angry,  
crazed state, I knew that what was done was done.   
  
My father would never live again.  
  
The madness was growing inside, despite my feeble attempts to keep my  
emotions in check. Soon, a light submerged the cockpit. It wasn't hardly as bright  
as the cannons were, but bright enough to blind me.   
  
And when the light faded, I was filled with an hostility and hatred I had never felt  
before. It was as if I had been weak before but emerged from the light, filled with  
a satisfying strength that lived off the furious rage which had found a place in my  
heart. I needed revenge. I would avenge my father's death. Yes, that was what I  
needed to do. It was decided. I would attack the enemy, make my father proud.   
  
A shred of reason tried to force itself into my mind. That wouldn't make my father  
proud. If anything, he would be ashamed of what I've become.  
  
No, I rejected the tiny voice. My father would be proud. My fellow pilots would be  
proud. I would make everyone proud of my task, my new mission.  
  
I was to destroy space.  
  


***  


  
It wasn't hard to defeat the enemy suits.   
  
Pathetic. They were all pathetic. Space was too weak for its own good. If I wasn't  
to destroy it, I would probably sympathize with it.   
  
But I was different now. I wasn't weak anymore. I used to be pathetic too, but no  
more. Wing Zero had shown me my fate, and I had accepted this new mission,  
eager to destroy those who had murdered my father.  
  
Space. That was my enemy. All of space: the colonies, OZ and its supporter  
Romefeller, the rebel forces.   
  
The Gundams.  
  
Yes, I would destroy anything and everything that got in my way.  
  
The first to go were the mobile dolls. Miserably small obstacles to eliminate.  
They were mindless, no good for battles. This only made me more furious. Were  
people so unwilling to fight in their own battles?  
  
Onslaught after onslaught of enemy suits, and I had destroyed them all. Strange,  
I wasn't tired at all, or apologetically sad. In fact, I felt stronger than I ever had  
before.   
  
The light flashed on and off inside the cockpit. I truly was a different person.  
  


***  


  
"Go easy on him, Heero."  
  
The unrecognizable voice floated towards me from deep within my mind, settling  
in a secluded little corner. That voice...I remember that voice.  
  
Was it Trowa? So he had come to save me once again.   
  
I almost laughed. Save me? I didn't need saving, not this time. Revenge was so  
surprisingly satisfying; I had never felt such a powerful force. And I loved it.  
  
No, a little voice said. I enjoyed it. I don't love it. What I love is dead. From the  
isolated recess in my mind, I wanted to scream, to yell at myself. Stop this!  
You're here to protect space, not destroy it!! But that notion was easily  
surpressed. I was in full control. There was no stopping me now.  
  
The light from the Zero system applauded my behavior, flashing on and off in a  
distinct rhythm. A low, threatening growl tore itself from my throat as I threw my  
head back and laughed haughtily. I heard Heero huff, "Hn?" He sounded  
puzzled.  
  
"Quatre?" Trowa asked. This wasn't right. We shouldn't be talking. They were my  
enemies; they had allied themselves with OZ and were piloting new mobile suits,  
the Mercurius and the Vayeate that OZ had created for the very purpose of  
destruction.   
  
This was the same OZ that had murdered my father.   
  
"We're wasting precious time with talk," I muttered bitterly.   
  
This time I heard Trowa gasp with confusion. "This isn't the Quatre I know."  
  
Heero interrupted him. "Quatre's right. Stop talking and let's get on with it."  
Suddenly, Mercurius launched at me from the side. I dodged it easily. "Is that all  
you've got, Heero?" He seemed to hear my almost toneless taunt and launched  
at me again.  
  
"That's your flaw Heero. You dive straight into battle without considering your  
future." I don't know if I was actually talking or only thinking; the monologue  
continued. "Zero has taught me a lot about my future. This is my last mission.  
Don't get in my way, Heero." I wasn't even listening to myself speak. I couldn't  
hear or feel anything, only see the light that had veiled my eyes like a thick  
curtain.  
  
I could no longer control my body. It was moving on its own, maneuvering Wing  
Zero with careless, deadly freedom. I was still alive, but only part of me. My  
heart had died, and the Zero system had invaded the empty cavity in my chest.  
It's control had spread with sickening speed until it had consumed almost all of  
my logical mind. I existed only in a small area, thinking for myself even when  
Zero was thinking for my body.  
  
In the little niche, I could still think, could still reason out everything. Now I  
understood Zero. It affected its pilot only in battle and consumed with a  
murderous rage. The system pushed the pilot to all extremes until he wasn't  
afraid of anything; not even Death itself. It was meant to promote efficiency in  
battle; but now it was turning friend against friend. How dreadfully cruel. I wasn't  
to fight Heero or Trowa.   
  
But though I truly believed this in my mind, my body contradicted my every  
thought. Zero won't let anything happen to me. This madness will continue until  
space is destroyed.  
  
It was either space...or me.  
  
I tried to focus all my attention back at the outside world, the realm that existed  
outside the cockpit. For a minute, I had forgotten all about that world. I had been  
so self-absorbed in vehemence that I didn't notice that I was indirectly killing  
reality. Zero only worked as a virtual tool of war; the real weapon was the pilot  
within the Gundam. It was through the pilot that triumph was obtained. The  
system created a heartless murderer, capable of a coldness that even mobile  
dolls couldn't achieve. It was bad enough that I was already a murderer; to be  
heartless was too much. But try as I did, I couldn't gain control of my body.  
  
Because the only thing that mattered to the Zero system was victory.   
  
And the only thing that mattered to the real me was life.  
  


***  


  
'No!' I watched through dead eyes as Trowa dove in front of the powerful beam.  
Vayeate fully absorbed the damage that was originally intended for Heero.  
  
"No," I managed to whisper. Vayeate was breaking apart in the powerful beam. I  
watched many pieces of blue armor dissolve in the blast. I was hit by a wave of  
horror; it reminded me of the Winner satellite and my father. I watched the  
screen as Trowa's pained face appeared.  
  
So much pain --  
  
I almost broke down in tears when he started speaking. There was no doubt in  
my mind that it was his voice which had drawn me from the dark abyss of  
insanity.   
  
He had succeeded in rescuing me yet again.  
  
"Trowa," I gasped in distraught horror. This couldn't happen. No! He saved me  
and I destroyed him. He deserved praise, and I betrayed him. How could I live  
with myself?  
  
I decided I couldn't. There was no gratitude in betrayal. And even as the  
Gundam was melting away with the blast, preparing to self-destruct, Trowa's  
quiet, reserved voice rang out through my cockpit in a speech that only I was  
meant to hear.   
  
The strong yellow light that had once danced across Zero's screen had died with  
the harsh blow of reality. It no longer guided me as I felt the bitterness of losing  
another person. Trowa, who had comforted me with his conservative friendship  
and offered me strength in times of weakness, was gone forever. Just like my  
father, Trowa was gone. And this time it was all my fault.  
  
I watched in agonizing grief as the Vayeate maneuvered up, away from my direct  
line of fire. All the while, Trowa was inside the Gundam. I wanted to curse him  
for not getting out, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. He was getting his wish --  
he promised that he would always save me, and he had kept his promise well;  
but he was never afraid to die, and now he would.  
  
Even near the end, his voice was painfully calm. He spoke as though he had  
planned this sort of thing to happen someday; it hurt to think that we Gundam  
pilots, all of us, had a death wish. It was true. Even I, who value life above  
everything else, wanted to die. But only at one time did I ever consider  
self-destruction:  
  
After Vayeate exploded, with Trowa still giving his well-planned speech.  
  
That was the only time I ever really wanted to self-detonate. I could never forgive  
myself for such a shameful, unaffectionate thing. Trowa...gone?? I hung my  
head, the tears running freely down my face.  
  
I had lost the battle; Zero was victorious.  
  


***  


  
I didn't remember much after Vayeate exploded. Things were a blur.  
  
For the first time that day, I was crying...for father and for Trowa. The most  
important person in my life was gone and I had everything to do with it. I was this  
close to pushing the button that would end my own life.  
  
But for every gray cloud, there is a silver lining, ne?  
  
It took me a while to figure out that Trowa wasn't dead. Lost at space, maybe.  
But not dead. How do I know? When my father died, I knew immediately. Call it  
what you want: a premonition, a foreboding sense in your stomach, a warning in  
your mind that you just can't shake off.   
  
I call it a Space Heart.  
  
Living in both Space and Earth has brought me to understand the workings of  
the heart. Everyone has a Space Heart, an Uuchu no Kokoro. Whether or not it  
is expressed is totally up to the individual. Some people are just naturally more  
empathic; but empathy has little to do with the Space Heart. My sister Irrea, for  
example, is one of the kindest, gentlest people I know. She has nothing but love  
and concern for others, which is why she also makes an excellent doctor.  
  
The Space Heart is different for every person. From experience, it helps  
someone understand something; that something is different in separate  
individuals. Mine has taught me the traits of a good leader and has led me to  
believe that life is to be valued more than gold, or silver, or any of the most  
precious gems, that life is more precious than death.  
  
Above all, my Space Heart has taught me to be a good friend.  
  
And my Space Heart was the reason I knew Trowa was alive. Trowa was a very   
important, if not primary, person in my life. At their death, someone that special  
would have definitely triggered a reaction much stronger than tears.   
  
So you can imagine my anger when Heero attacked me instead of letting me go.  
  
Why would he? I had killed hundreds of OZ soldiers whom he had worked with.  
Colonel Une was giving the orders for now; I couldn't screw things up for him.  
But Trowa was alive. "Heero, go save Trowa!" I yelled. But it was like talking to a  
brick wall. I couldn't get Heero to understand. Hell, part of myself didn't want to  
believe that Trowa was alive either. But he was. Why couldn't Heero see that?  
Didn't he feel the presence that I felt?  
  
"Has Trowa's death taught you nothing?" he asked in an annoyed tone. His  
words flew at me like knives. They stung much more than ordinary words should  
have, piercing my heart to very core. But Trowa's not dead...  
  
The Zero system had partly taken control again, mostly because of my anger at  
Heero's naiveté. The other half of my brain was still functioning but was too  
clouded with hurt and sorrow to have made a difference. The dispute drew us  
inside the docking bay. Even after we slammed into the far wall, the fight   
continued.   
  
Somehow, through my confusion, I realized that I was to end this meaningless  
battle with Heero if I wanted to spare his life and mine. Zero was quickly making  
headway, taking control of my body; now that Trowa was lost, no one in the  
universe would be able to make me stop the insane destruction that would stain  
my hands for life.  
  
That was it. I vowed to find Trowa, to repay him the kindness the he showed me  
and no one else. It was my duty to find Trowa and thank him. For everything.  
  
This time, I'll save you, Trowa.  
  
While I was wrestling with the Zero system, Heero took advantage of the  
opportunity and attacked. It hurt, but I was glad he did it. What other option did  
he have? He was dedicated to his missions, whether the orders came from  
Doctor J or from Colonel Une. Either way, he wasn't about to give up a battle,  
even for a friend.  
  
I knew I was fighting Heero; Zero had more than three-quarters of my body. This  
isn't right! I fought it with all my strength; it got me nowhere. Not even Heero  
could withstand Zero's pounding force. It seemed like he was holding back as  
well; maybe he didn't want to hurt a friend.   
  
The more I thought about Heero's words, the more sense they made. He thought  
Trowa was dead; I didn't care what he thought. What mattered was that Trowa  
had taught me a lot. Through him, I learned more than I ever could have on my  
own. It was to him that I owed my heart.   
  
I snapped out of the craze easily when I realized that I was hurting Heero. He  
wasn't causing me pain...it was the other way around! But in contrast to Trowa's  
defeat, Heero wouldn't be defeated. I wouldn't let him lose. I couldn't hurt  
another person so badly again, not after what happened to Trowa.   
  
Never again...  
  
Planet-defenders surrounded us in a dome-shaped force field as he drew out his  
beam saber and charged. My shield defended me, but only for a mere second. I  
don't think I was even trying to protect myself anymore. Far from trying to win, I  
was deliberately aiming at my own annihilation. Numerous explosions blasted  
our Gundams apart and after seconds of exhausted anxiety, Heero fell out of  
Mercurius' cockpit, landing hard on the ground.  
  
I stumbled out of Wing Zero's cockpit, too tired to walk straight and too  
grief-stricken to care. As I reached Heero's side, I thought my eyes were playing  
tricks on me. Maybe they were. To this day, I don't know if I actually did see a  
bright light, much brighter and purer than the light from the Zero system,  
engulfing Heero's chest. Call me crazy; it had looked as if his heart had been  
floating, detatched from his chest. Maybe I was crazy; Zero has a profound effect  
on me.   
  
I went over to his body, resting limp on the ground, his 'golden heart' suspended  
in an aura of yellow. He looked just like a little boy; so innocent and carefree. I  
remember vaguely thinking that this was what we Gundam pilots all must have  
looked like at one time or another. Maybe sometime long ago, years ago, when  
we were children, we looked pure whether we were asleep or awake. I hated to  
think that the only time we could look so young now was when we were  
submerged in unconsciousness.  
  
The world was ugly.  
  
But then again, soldiers aren't supposed to look young, even fifteen-year-old  
soldiers. We grew up a little quickly, but we can accept the responsibilities; if we  
couldn't, then the Scientists wouldn't have loaded them on our backs. That  
means that Heero, Duo, Wufei, Trowa and I are older than we're supposed to  
be. Doesn't it? So how can Heero just lie there, looking so harmless?  
  
I guess we Gundam pilots understand the world as it truly works. That day, I  
came to the conclusion that I wasn't the only Gundam pilot with an Uuchu no  
Kokoro. I wasn't the only soldier with an Uuchu no Kokoro. The others must  
possess one as well. How else could one explain the golden heart?  
  
I placed a shaky hand over Heero's chest. He was alive...no thanks to me. I  
shook my head, blowing the bangs out of my eyes. Stealing a glance back at the  
Gundams, they seemed surreal. The empty metal frames were still locked in  
combat, frozen in time as an art masterpiece in a museum. But this wouldn't last.  
They were bound to self-detonate any second; this time, I would save a life.   
  
I absently brought my hand up to my chest, suddenly noticing that the yellow  
glow had disappeared from above Heero and reappeared around my hand,  
which was clenched tightly into a white fist above my own heart. It was warm,  
almost to the point of healing. Such a wonderful light, not cold like the glow of  
the Zero system, but warm like the rays of the sun --   
  
No, I wasn't the only soldier with a Space Heart.  
  
  
  
~OWARI~  
  
  
  
how was it minna-san? luved it, hated it, wanted to kill me 4 some reason?? lol tell me!  
questions, and suggestions r always welcome, k? (if u really wanna flame, pleez e-mail me ^^* ) what i mean is...rate n review! i await ur, uh, comments. jaaa!!  
  
ChibiQuatre @ tigerlily6c@aol.com


End file.
